Identity

After watching an episode of Twilight Zone this afternoon, my friend and I came to the conclusion that people shape their identities according to their surroundings. When their surroundings change, so do their identities. I feel like this certainly applies to my own life.

From elementary school to high school, I lived with my parents, so I didn't have the privacy to explore beyond certain limits (and neither did most of my peers). In high school, I mainly hung out with the honor students with whom I had classes and my fellow band members. Factoring in my busy homework and extracurricular activity schedule along with the presence of our family members (and lack of personal transportation - I didn't get my driver's license until I was 18), I didn't have the time or means to test the waters. I defined myself as a band geek, and I was content in doing so.

In a way, my college experience was more sheltering than my high school experience (which is not the norm for the average United States resident) because I went to Smith, a 100% female liberal arts school. The process of defining myself was different because most people who went to Smith were straight-A students in high school. It came time to figure out which people I could relate to on a level deeper than just diligence. After all, not only was I in a classroom with these students, but I was living with them on a campus for an entire four years. By the end of the four years, I didn't change much from who I was in high school other than the fact that I had acquired more knowledge from textbooks. However, with this knowledge came the discovery that I no longer wanted the label of "band geek." I figured out that there was more to me than my love of playing the piano and the trumpet. I developed other interests including video-editing, writing, attending rock concerts, and reading news articles.

After graduating from college, I underwent a more extreme case of self-identification. I attended Columbia University for a year of grad school, and not only was I surrounded by geniuses in the classroom, but I was fending for myself in a huge city and working two jobs in order to pay for my living expenses. I was back in the co-ed world, and I dealt with all the situations and pressures I might have already experienced had I gone to a more happening college. I was faced with decisions pertaining to alcohol, drugs, dating, sex, and while I won't touch upon my experiences regarding each category (or lack thereof, depending on the category), I will say this. 2010 was the most life-changing year I've had yet. I learned to let loose and take chances, and at the risk of sounding cornier than corn bread, I realized that I shouldn't let my my mistakes define me as an individual. Rather, I should see them as opportunities for growth.

I'll miss certain aspects of 2010, but I also know that there are some that I'm never going to get back, no matter how much it pains me. I'm an Atheist, but I feel that the Serenity Prayer applies to the nonreligious as well. The truth is, there are some things you just can't change even if you put in all the effort in the world. In two realms of life (I'm not going to say what they are, but I'm pretty sure one is obvious to most of you), I really did try hard this past year to make myself happy. My efforts didn't bring me the results that I wanted, but there comes a point at which you get tired of wallowing in depression. When you put it into perspective, it's silly to ruin your life over circumstances beyond your control. Of course, it's easier said than done to pick oneself up. But for now, I'm ready to move forward and continue this journey of self-exploration.